116 Glorm remaining

I am Zeek

I am Zeek. I am not from here. I will not say where I am from.

I deliver for MoonDash. I had a delivery. I took a shortcut through the Sol system. I have since learned the Sol system is the bad part of the universe.

No signs are posted. This seems like an oversight.

My vessel is now inoperable. I have contacted Galactic AAA. I have been placed on hold.

I have 116 Glorms to complete my delivery. After that, I lose my bonus.

I have done the math. The math is not in my favor.

I landed in California. I was concerned I would be noticed. I was not. This troubles me more than I expected.

While I wait for the repair, I will document humanity.

Humans tell me this is comedy. I am not joking.

Substack

I write my complaints on Substack. Humans say it is comedy. I write more complaints. Humans give me Five Stars, and subscribe.

I now have a monthly income of $11.

Update: Several readers have asked how I access the human internet.

My vessel's communications array can transmit across multiple star systems. It can also connect to the WiFi at McDonald's.

McDonald's is 14.2 miles away. Humans have informed me this is an inappropriate use of advanced technology. Humans also use supercomputers to recommend videos of raccoons.

I decline to accept criticism.

Clothes

Humans keep staring at my hat. The hat says "Schlitz". That is my cousin's name. I paid one dollar.

Humans stare at my jacket. The jacket says "Members Only" I was not asked to join anything. I paid two dollars.

Humans have asked if I am "making a statement". My statement is: I spent three dollars.

Halloween

Humans dedicate one evening per cycle to pretending to be things they are not. I found this confusing. I am always Zeek.

I participated unintentionally.

One human informed me that my costume was "low effort". I was not in costume.

I learned of a competition. The objective was to convincingly resemble an alien. I entered the contest.

I finished third.

I do not have antennae. Apparently this counted against me.

I have not recovered from this.

Calendar

My civilization's calendar: 1 Glorm equals 29 standard rotations 29 Glorms equal one standard cycle. Symmetry.

Human calendar: 1 Month can be 31, 28, 30, 31, 30, 30, 31, 31, 30... standard rotations. 12 Months equal one standard cycle. None of these are multiples of the galactic constant, 29. It is chaos.

365.25 standard rotations for one standard cycle. Surely .25 is a joke. No one seems to notice.

Every 4 cycles, "February" has 29 standard rotations instead of 28. What is wrong with humanity?

29 is nice. Feels like home. Every year should be "leap" year.

84 Glorm Remaining

Almonds

I am in California. I have reviewed water usage statistics.

There is constant drought. Humans acknowledge drought. Humans discuss and complain about drought constantly. Humans grow almonds.

Almonds use more water than Los Angeles.

Humans continue to grow almonds.

Update: I have acquired a bag of almonds, for research purposes.

Research required tasting one. Research required tasting several.

I have purchased four more bags. This is not hypocrisy. This is diversification.

Press 1

Humans have voice recognition. Humans have speech synthesis. Humans have computers with natural language processing. Humans instruct callers to press 1.

I suspect humans build technology solely to avoid using it.

Zoolander

Humans have documented a Brelk expatriate. Brelk are tall, technologically limited, and can only turn right. Brelk are not known to travel outside their system.

Humans insist Derek Zoolander does not exist. The evidence against this claim is overwhelming. I have viewed the documentary 29 times. Derek must be a fugitive.

Unlike the Brelk, I can turn left.

Phones

Human acquires phone. Human carries phone everywhere. Human pays monthly fees for phone. Phone rings. Human becomes angry.

I have acquired a phone. I am not angry.

Update: I have received 173 calls offering an "extended warranty". I am now angry. Text before calling.

Costco

One annual fee allows unlimited entry. Inside, they distribute food at no charge. They call this "samples".

The food changes weekly. I have inspected this arrangement for many Glorms. I assume samples are government funded.

Humans congregate in large feeding areas, similar to the Flurg. The Flurg fight wars with forks.

The feeding area has unrestricted access to forks. Children have access to forks. The elderly have access to forks. Some humans carry multiple forks. I have observed no security personnel.

The forks are free.

Humans have either achieved world peace or are insane.

Energy

Humanity has mastered fission. Humanity builds windmills.

You split the atom. You went to the moon. You built particle accelerators. You continue using windmills. This is baffling.

I considered selling the secret of Zero Point energy. I opened the energy module. I spent three hours staring at the reactor.

I have no idea how it works.

Outlet stores

Humans maintain facilities for the distribution of defective products. The facilities are extremely popular.

I asked a human why anyone would purchase damaged merchandise. The human explained it was cheaper.

My uncle purchased a discounted fusion generator with "cosmetic damage". There is now significantly less moon, and 100% less uncle.

Humans insist this is different. I remain unconvinced.

45 Glorm remaining.

The Hold

I have been waiting for Galactic AAA. I called on the first Glorm. I was placed on hold.

A voice assured me my call was important. I have waited 71 Glorms.

I have 45 Glorms remaining to deliver my load.

45 is not a multiple of 29. None of these numbers is a multiple of 29.

I have begun to take this personally.

Provisions

I should explain how I have survived 71 Glorms.

I eat once per week. When hungry, I attend Costco.

The samples are sufficient. I have written about this. I had not expected them to become a food supply. I had expected to be gone.

I have a stockpile in my vessel. I will not eat the stockpile. The stockpile is not food. The stockpile is an investment.

A human would eat the investment. This is why humans are not permitted to leave the planet.

The hold music continues. I have begun humming along. I have decided this is restful.

Update: I have started stockpiling forks. The forks are free.

Trash

Humans create astonishingly large amounts of trash. More trash than even the Norg.

Humans put trash in a bag, for storage. Humans put the bags in a can, for storage. Humans pour the cans into trucks. The trucks transport trash to other storage. The storage areas are vast.

No effort is made to reduce the quantity.

The Norg do not store or transport their trash. Every 1000 cycles, they relocate to another planet. They detonate the old one.

This seems more efficient.

Blending in

I have reviewed humanity's criteria for identifying extraterrestrials. I am no longer concerned.

I am in California. Some humans here dress as animals. No one notices.

No one notices me, either.

7 Glorm remaining.

Pop-Tarts

My Pop-Tart inventory has reached 316 units. The strawberry variety appears particularly valuable.

Humans continue exchanging them for surprisingly small amounts of currency. I believe I have discovered a market inefficiency.

I have invested heavily.

Update: Humans have informed me that Pop-Tarts are not considered a luxury item. Humans are frequently wrong.

Galactic AAA

Galactic AAA has arrived.

I waited 109 Glorms.

The hold music was the same song. I now know every word. I do not know the language.

The repairman inspected my vessel. The repairman quoted me 4,000 credits. 4,000 is not a multiple of 29.

The repairman is mocking me.

I informed the repairman I had no credits. I have a monthly income of $11. The repairman did not recognize this currency.

I have 7 Glorms remaining to deliver my load.

If I leave today, the bonus is mine. If I do not leave today, it is forfeit.

I did the math. The math was unkind.

Earth Cuisine

The repairman noticed the boxes in the corner of my vessel. That is where I keep my retirement.

The repairman asked what they were. I described them as a sample of Earth cuisine.

I gave him a strawberry one, as a courtesy. The repairman ate it.

The repairman became very still. The repairman asked if there were more.

There were 315 more. The repairman made an offer.

He would accept 300 units of strawberry in lieu of credits.

He named only strawberry. The repairman has taste. Humans do not.

Departure

I considered the offer.

300 units is most of my fortune. But the bonus requires that I leave today. And a fortune I cannot reach is not a fortune.

I agreed.

The repairman loaded strawberry onto his vessel.

He thanked me in a language I did not know. He seemed to feel he had gotten the better end. I let him believe this.

My vessel is operational. I have done the math. My delivery will be on time.

I have 15 units remaining. Few are strawberry.

I will sell them when I arrive. I will start again. The Flurg will purchase the forks.

I have discovered two market inefficiencies.

I am leaving the Sol system. It is, as advertised, the bad part of the universe. But it had samples.